As many of you may have read last year I made oaths to Loki as a spouse. As a result many things happened in the wake of that oath – now the oath I made to Him was not what many would consider ‘spousal’ the oath made was simple and direct:
I promised Him that I would always Honor Him and to that end I would hold myself to a higher Standard, to push myself to meet the challenges put before me and to always honor He and His Family. I will also do all in my power to help dispel the misconceptions about Him and bring The Truth of his Character into the light so that the prejudices and stigmas begin to dissipate and those of us that DO Give Him Honor need not do it in darkened corners of the world far from the eyes of those we would normally call our community.
That said, I fucked up. And while many many good things have happened – my art has developed IMMENSELY, my income has increased as a result and I have met many wonderful people as well. But like I said, I fucked up. And I fucked up BAD. As a result I not only hurt but I betrayed and disgraced the person I love the most in this world, and for that I ache every day.
I had thought (mistakenly) that I was clear with Adam about what was going on and what my oaths and everything else were. Truly, I really did think I was clear, I thought he understood what was happening. And that it would not violate any oaths to him at all (see oaths made above). Not understanding this I planned a ritual to formalize my oaths at troth moot in California with a friend Horsing Loki and another horsing Odin as witness to my oaths. What I did not do however was to explicitly ask Adam if he was ok with what I had planned . He was not. He viewed it as a betrayal of trust, a breach of my marriage vows to him and a desertion of my honor. His view is that I did not enter into a divine marriage but that I “married someone else” – his view of the divine is not what mine is. As such He feels betrayed. I understand why he does. And I apologize.
In posting the many things here about Adams understanding (I genuinely thought he had) and the idea that he agreed and supported everything, I also disgraced him in many ways. This was not ok. This was damaging beyond belief and all of this has very nearly cost me my marriage… Now we are in therapy individually and with our minister. How it plays out still remains to be seen.
But this I know. I hurt my husband. I betrayed and disgraced him in many ways. That is never ok to do to someone you love. In doing what I have done I have brought on an IMMENSE amount of pain to both of us. There are days I do not know that I will survive. As I am sure there are days Adam doesn’t know if he will survive with me. I have struggled much over all of this, and things have been both better and worse. BUT I will never be able to apologize enough for the wrongs I committed against my husband.
As for Loki, Loki is still very much a part of my life, I am His Gydhia, I do His work, and I have on pretty good authority that labels mean shit to Him and doing what I do is just fine.
But first and foremost I am my own person, who is wholly devoted to my marriage to a mortal husband that I love. Yes we have some pretty major hurdles to overcome and MAJOR communications issues but like any relationship it’s a work in progress.
I love my husband more than I can express, but I also hurt him more than I have words for, and hurt myself as well.
Our gods are not passive, they demand accountability. If I am going to follow the Gods I follow and live the way I do I must first hold myself accountable.
Adam, I love you. I am more sorry than I can ever begin to express…
Please remember this… You are the Love of My life…. pay attention to the words on the screen… I don’t know if you remember but this was on the soundtrack at our second wedding Winter Solstice 2008…